I kinda decided fuck it with this blog. I really love posting but I hate the interface so much. Blogspot is popular but I don't really see why. I had trouble responding to my own comments and it's a pain for me to sign in because I have a different (primary) gmail account that I have to sign out of each time. It's been driving me batty. I haven't entirely given up on this concept. I'll save my posts and perhaps put them up in a new blog. I'll put a link up here if I do.

It's possible I'll just make up another livejournal account or something similar. I'm really used to livejournal, I'm just not sure if it gets as much traffic as it used to.

To my dear reader who commented the day before, THANKS for commenting. It won't let me reply in the actual comments section. Perhaps I'm cursed. I'll figure out later at a different time, but I just wanted to extend the thanks.

Pilots are only now allowed to openly take antidepressants and keep their jobs. When people ask me why I am not more open about my mental health (or occasional lack of thereof) THIS sort of thing is why. And in the context of academia, even if by law I can get reasonable accommodations, I need to feel comfortable that I am not going to be stigmatized by the department before taking advantage. I feel bad for those in other industries that are forced to suffer in silence. I feel perfectly safe riding in an airplane with a pilot being treated by an antidepressant, in fact, I feel even more safe flying regardless of the pilots mental condition than I do driving a car anywhere because pretty much anyone and their dog can get a license provided their of age and passed a road test. What are the odds for a fatal accident on the way to the grocery store? Much higher than getting on a dumb airplane.

As for academia I am pretty sure depression is very common, but how have people become so good at hiding it? I feel like I have gotten off easy in the depression aspect. I'm not inherently depressed and I actually don't take medication for it. But never say never because I am hypersensitive and it's hard for me to adjust to new surroundings and expectations. I often get frustrated when I misinterpret things. And I do that a lot. I am not good at transitioning from work-mode to study-mode and then back to work-mode. Yes it means I'm *gasp* bad at multitasking. However did I get this far? I'm actually not sure myself. I think I got good at one thing, then gradually took on more responsibilities. I got "good enough" and then when I had to start all over, I forgot how to get good at something again. BLAH.

Anyways I'm drifting off topic. I sort of lost sight of my goals this week. My goal is to get my butt back on track today.

You know how sometimes you have one of those weeks where you can't do anything right?

Clearly this is one of them. I have asked and asked how I should go about scheduling my advisory. I've gotten more or less the same answer from a number of different people, such as find a chunk of time everyone will be here, pick a dates and times, and see if people are ok with it.

Right?

I guess I should have offered some times in my last e-mail when I asked 1. if the faculty are available and 2. times the faculty were definitely unavailable because of classes and stuff in the first week of class. Ugh. I know that now.

Time to go home and take a long bath.

I have also come to the conclusion that expensive bath products are often a worth investment.

Carol Greider, 2009 Nobel Laureate, apparently has dyslexia.

There is hope for us bad test takers yet!

Well I really could have handled the past couple of days better. One of the things that helps me to feel better is to think about how one of these days, when I acquire (reacquire?) the skills that will enable me to plan my time wisely, multitask, and not let my own personal demons interfere with my professional (ok grad student) obligations, I will be surprising and/or making some professors pretty damn proud.

Sort of like how the professor who gave me a D- in gen chem the first semester of my undergrad signed the paper for me to work towards the chem minor several years later. I had finally gotten the hang of chemistry, and in fact, did well in orgo.

I also plan to arrange things so I can do my best work possible. This means I DO plan to have my advisory late this summer even if it's during the first week of classes, if I can get it ironed out administratively. It's better than coupling the advisory with finals this spring (it's unusual to have it that late and it seems frowned upon though one prof told me that plenty of students do it then). The advisory is basically a project proposal and has a verbal and a written component (like prelims).

So immediate goals, plan new realistic timeline NOW for how I am going to manage my work. Grow a much thicker skin. I'm sure I will go into at some point my thoughts about my involuntary/knee-jerk stress response (aka occasional sudden burst of tears at very inopportune time) but I have dwelled upon it through other media already. I would like to keep this as positive as I can for at least a little while and also spend some more time observing other people's responses to stress before making a major post here on something that personal.